Fantasy vs Reality

Why is it so many people feel not good enough? Or many people believe that the answer to their feeling of inner calm comes from outside? Why are there so many wars? Why do people kill? Why is there violence?

Fantasy. In my opinion it is mainly due to unexplored fantasy that is allowed to live on.

When people believe "the world is bad", "don't trust authorities", "control is strength", "emotions are weakness", "being strong means being able to be cruel to others" they are actively engaging their fantasy. Their fantasy feels real, looks real it is just not true anymore. It is a replay of the past on repeat.

People who experienced unpleasant or traumatic situations in their childhood and later, without guidance nor support will stay emotionally in the time and place this experience occurred. So if a little child was hit by a parent, the child might think "the world is bad" or "the life is bad" instead of mum or dad is bad. This is now a fantasy.

Reality is that a child was hit by a parent. The child was probably experiencing emotions she/he/they could not name nor soothe without the nurturing "other". Parent's behaviour was abusing and their parenting style was not ok. Reality was that the child was probably feeling very unsafe and alone. Parent remains in the home so the child needs to "fill the void of the nurturing other" and find a different explanation which would make sense and help to survive the situation without any further emotional harm. Child then creates a fantasy/narrative that could work- it can provide release of anger towards something...in this case, towards the world. "world is bad". Anger might be aimed outwards towards people, things instead of the parent and reality that the child is not safe.

How can we tell what is what? What is a fantasy and what is reality?

Continuous, daily check-ins. Think of it as growing a new muscles. Notice when you are experiencing an intense emotions in a situation which is not that serious. Notice and ask yourself what is making me feel so ......?

How old do I feel?

What am I feeling right now?

Do I need to self-soothe?

Do I need space to think about this?

And/Or

Am I trying to gain control of feel controlled?

Do I give this person, situation power over me?

A good indication suggesting you are in the realm of here and now is that you are not worried about the future nor clinging to the past. You understand that you have no control over others and others have no control over you.

Attending therapy can aid this process massively as in therapy you will receive psychoeducation as well as emotional support.